2:55 Octoshape loaded. Listening to Schwarzkopf beauty commercials. My look, my show? Well, look, just put the damn show on already.
3:00 It started. Squee!
3:02 Don’t know the hosts, but that’s nothing new. Neither is hating the hosts.
3:04 I really wish Lena were singing Satellite. Or maybe Nicole. Roger Cicero? Texas Lighting? Anyone. Except Alex and Oscar.
3:08 Lena is gorgeous. The crowd loves her.
3:11 Why do they still repeat everything in French?
3:11 Germans love tradition.
3:14 I already love the little breaks. Now Finland.
3:15 This is the boyfriend’s favorite. It makes me laugh between the eco-happy message and the Earth in the background. And Paradise Oscar’s muppet voice. Oh yeah, the song is titled “Da Da Dum.”
3:18 Bosnia. Oh dear. Make it stop. If the last song was funny this is hysterically awful. I love Eurovision. Thankfully the second song never wins. How did this make the final?!? Again, I love Eurovision.
3:23 Denmark is the boyband version of Finland. The first of the boybands. By the way, it’s awful. This should be in contention for worst lyrics of the competition. Love the stage running.
3:27 Lithuania. Off-key. Off-key. Off-key. It’s a shame, because she has a pretty voice. But she’s singing in English and French to appeal to a wider audience. And sign language. The Baltic bloc is just not enough. But this is a bad performance. Not Scooch bad or Jemini bad, but bad.
3:30 Hungary. Cannot understand her at all. Some kind of power ballad? What she lacks in singing ability, she more than makes up for with long legs and skimpy outfits. And those distracting dancers. Have you people learned nothing from Lena? Less is more.
3:34 Crap. Ireland. That means Jedward. Damn you, Ireland. On one hand I fear Jedward will win. On the other hand, Ireland will deserve to have their economy destroyed further for sending in Jedward. Bring back Dustin the Turkey.
3:37 Sweden. Boyband 3 (Jedward was 2). The Scandinavians are sending in some pretty lousy songs tonight (sorry, boyfriend.) This is by far the worst. ABBA they are not. I can’t tell if there are key changes or just singing off-key. Awful.
3:42. Estonia. I loved it when I previewed it. Less impressed with the actual song in the performance. Better than Sweden. And Jedward.
3:46 Greece. Gah! Greek rap. It’s the worst of the night so far, which is an accomplishment. On the bright side, at least it’s not a usual Greek shake-it song. Can we just skip to Lena now? Oh yea, 12 points from Cyprus. They didn’t rhyme fire and desire, so they just lit up the stage with actual fire.
3:50 Russia. You know when Russia wants to win because the song is entirely in English. Still I am not convinced Russia’s heart is in the contest anymore now that Dima won. Hot guy though in a skeezy Russian way. Boyband 4. Boring, but the former Soviet bloc will keep this entry afloat.
3:54 La France. Finally an actual song. And it’s in Corsican not French. Wow. They must really want to win. His voice seems to be in a different key. Like the clouds. This is not a good performance. Which is really a shame. Poor start. Good finish. Easily the strongest singer of the night.
3:38 Italy. It’s nice to see the Italians back for the first time in centuries. Volare ohohohoh. Cantare. ohohohoh. I’ll be quiet now. Oooh. I like this a lot. My favorite of the night thus far. This could actually be a hit outside of Eurovision. It’s actually cool. A worthy successor to Lena if he wins. Vooooolaaaaareeee!
4:01 Green Room. Bathroom break.
4:03 Switzerland. Music sounds exactly like Finland, only a worse song and a singer who is not comfortable with her key. Trite lyrics, cute effects. UK next. The knives are being sharpened right now.
4:07 UK. Blue. I haven’t heard it, but I hate it already. And it’s the 5th(?) boyband. They’re called Blue and they’re wearing blue. Get it? How to describe it? Imagine the worst boyband you know and multiply it by 100. Throw in every cliché possible. That is Blue. They are not, however Scooch, so that is the one point in their favor. Dear England, everyone hates you. Please stop trying to do anything. (Can’t wait to hear the British complaints of bloc voting when this goes down in flames.)
4:11 Moldova. Those are some seriously freaky costumes. This is just filler until Lena who is next. Moldova is the bathroom break song. Does this count as a boyband? I’m saying yes because there is a girl on a unicycle, she isn’t actually doing anything.
4:15 LENA!!!!! How I missed you. Lena may just be too cool for this competition. Definitely has too much star power and sex appeal. That was quite a performance. Lena, I love you. Favorite of the night. The audience loves her too.
4:20 Romania. Meh. This is the ABBA-esque entry of the night in that it sounds like it could be an ABBA type song if ABBA were terrible. Bouncy, jaunty, trite. But basically inoffensive. What is this theme of changing the world that is running through the competition?
4:23 Nice to see Austria back too. Nice voice. Okay song. One of the better of the night, but that’s doesn’t say much. Although this is an entry I would have expected from the UK. Everything about it screams England.
4:27 Azerbaijan. I’m sure this will be bad. Okay, it’s not bad. It’s not great, but it’s much better than I would have given Azerbaijan credit for.
4:31 Slovenia. I am ready for the contest to end now. Slovenia sent in Alenka Gotar the last year I liked Slovenia (2007). It’s been quite some time since then. This is no Alenka. It would however appear to be the first girlband of the evening. Five more acts after this. Can’t recap the voting though. I’m going to a wedding. A lot of people are comparing her to Christina Aguilera, which seems cruel to be X-tina.
4:35 Green room II. Bathroom break II.
4:37 Iceland. Thank you Iceland for redeeming Scandinavia. This is a cute feel-good song that is derivative of the Olson Brothers by way of the Beach Boys (sans beach). Boyband #6? #7? I lost count. While Lena deserves to win, I would shed no tears if Reykjavik hosts next year.
4:41 Spain. The intermission clip is about soccer. Still upset about the Euros and the World Cup, Germany? A Spanish shake it song? Enjoyable fluff. And now the Big 5 have all finished.
4:44 Ukraine. I miss Ruslana. This will not be anywhere near as good as Wild Dances. It just started, and I’ve already forgotten it. Neat background effects though with the sand painting. It makes no sense for the song, but if we penalized every Eurovision entry for that, there would be nothing left. Still miss Ruslana.
4:49 Serbia. Girl band 2. The look and sound the 1960’s. How mod. It’s like a rejected Supremes song. Boyfriend says she bought her clothes at Target. Like the song though. Like the act. It was very very cute.
4:53 Georgia. Finally the end. I hate this song already. Such derivative crap. I swear I hear it every Eurovision. Bring back Serbia. And here is the fire/desire rhyme. Ding ding ding! This is terrible, but it is not the worst.
Favorites: Germany, Serbia, Iceland, Italy, Spain. Would have liked France if the performance were better
Hated: Greece, Georgia, Russia, Sweden, Moldova, Ireland, UK